Hammer Müzik – Enis Kızılkaya Röportaj
My name is Eduardo. I have been in this cage for three years. I don’t know what God or love is, I don’t know what hunger and thirst feels like. My life is a dead butterfly, so very beautigul but lying on the floor, breathless. I have accepted every feature of myself and let it all go. I have taken a vow to myself, I have been silent. I have forgotten everything except my story. But now, I feel that this fresh little memory of my everlasting story, is being revealed for the first and last time. After this confession, it will be dead as the butterfly, as my life.
It has been exactly three years. If I could stil feel, I know I would be trembling as I think about this memory after so long of a time. I was so happy then. Even if I never knew what happiness meant, I knew that it was something close to what I was feeling. There was a woman in my life and every time I was with her, it felt like the whole world was changing. It was changing in the best way, people were becoming their best and the universe was smiling. I was happy, and she seemed happy. The way I lived felt as though I was on a carousel. Sadly, I never realised that if I stayed on it for too long, it would make me sick.
One night, as I was walking back home from her house, I started to wonder if this was all there is. Suddenly a great sense of concern overran my presence. I wanted to know so badly if this was where everthing should end. Maybe happiness expired. Maybe it was meant to expire. Maybe it all passed away and maybe I was all alone. The thought of being lonely captivated my mind. I never understood at the time why I was captivated, but now I can clearly see that I had this psychology. I tried to run away from being unhappy and getting hurt, by destroying my happiness myself. In order to destroy this happiness, I had to make myself believe that I could be happy on my own. That night, I will never forget. As I walked slowly next to the street lights, this idea started to form in my mind. The idea of losing my source of happiness by not getting hurt. I thought that the only way to do this was to end the happiness myself.
I was the biggest coward you’d meet in your whole life. I chose what was easy, I didn’t want to own anything because I was afraid I’d lose it. I was blinded by fear. So as I went back to her house and opened the door with my key, my blood was as cold as ice. I went to her bedroom and watched her sleep. She had no idea. It took me two minutes to find some matches and burn down the whole house. I ran away before any neighbors woke up, and I was far away by the time it got on papers.
So it has been three years. Three years since my world has become a white cage where I cannot identify anything. I am a vampire, sucking my own blood trying to take her revenge.
